Mark: The World's Most Obvlivious Person

In a universe full of oblivious people, Mark stands alone.

The first words said to him in the film are "Hey baby" from Lisa.  He shrugs it off.

Then he comes over and Lisa grinds him, puts on a sexy dress, some music (apparently, they are listening to the soundtrack too), and tells him that she loves him. 

She comes on to him.  He rejects her.

She persists.  He denies.

Mark makes it clear, nothing is going to happen.  Until Lisa pulls out the last trick she has to lure Mark into her clutches.

After he finally pushes her off of him, she responds by by doing nothing.  And then of course, Mark finds her irresistible.  Lisa, you tricky bitch.

Another Viewing

Had another viewing of The Room on Saturday.  I was showing the film with Rifftrax to a couple of friends who had seen the movie but this would introduce them to the awesome Rifftrax done by Mike.  What I came to realize is that it can be too hard to combine drugs and alcohol with The Room and expect to be paying attention past the midway point.

Just choose one or the other: drinking or drugs.

An Interview with Greg Ellery aka Steven aka Peter

During the release of all these Marvel comic book movies, we learned early on that you had to stay past the credits in order to see some more revealed teasers for the upcoming Avengers movie. 

After Iron Man people would say "Hey, did you see Samuel L Jackson?" and then you'd reply "No, what are you talking about?" 

Then maybe you'd go to a theater and sneak into the last 10 minutes of the movie to see what they were talking about or you could just, ya know, find out on the internet.  And sure enough there was Sam Jackson, aka Nick Fury. 

He showed up even after the movie, was not a part of the movie at all, and then was thrown into the mix.  But it was cool because you know, or were told about, why he showed up and he wasn't just thrown to you without any introduction or as if you were supposed to know who he was or what was going on.

That's not the case with the unnamed (but I suppose named in the script) character of Steven.  He just shows up at Johnny's party and famously announces that he's sitting on an atomic bomb.  Since The Room was a slightly less popular movie than Iron Man, there was no way to get answers on what just happened or who the hell this was.  He just showed up.

Thankfully, after The Room became a cult hit, people were obsessed with getting an answer and finally we got one: The psychologist friend Peter quit in the middle of the movie so Tommy Wiseau replaced him with another actor who was "like Peter, but you are Steven" and just spoke Peter's lines instead.

Amazing.

The brilliant guys at Rifftrax, formerly Mystery Science Theater 3000, tracked the actor that played Steven down in 2009 and forced him to answer questions about his time in the POW camp known as The Room.

Here's the link

The more interviews I find from actors and crew on the set, the more of a picture I get of what Tommy and making the movie were like. And the answer is just as confusing as the film itself.  One thing I am starting to believe is that Tommy Wiseau is no Andy Kaufman.  He's probably just as amazingly crazy and slow-witted as Johnny is.  Thank God for that.

Hey, look at how happy these two are to be here:

Greg said in the interview that he's now turned to directing and wouldn't appear in another Room movie if one ever got made.  I just have to say that this interview was 2 years ago and Imdb has no new information on him.  I wonder if his stance would be different now.

Highlight of the article for me:

That included the purchase, not rental, of a brand new film camera, as well as a new $30,000 digital camera to shoot the “making of.” Skeptical of course, Birns and Sawyer looked at Wiseau’s bank account, saw an appropriate amount of numbers in front of the decimal point and figured, What the hell?

I've been reading a lot lately on the idea that Wiseau bought, not rented, the film equipment.  I'm not an expert on film-making but it sounds like the conversation went something like this:
Tommy Wiseau: Oh hai, I need camera for making movie. How is you?
Birns and Sawyer: Hi there.  Great, thanks.  So you need a camera, huh?  What kind?
TW: The kind that you can make movies with.
BS: Well, there's digital and film.
TW: Haha, good story.  Okay, give me both.
BS: Both?
TW: Yes, you said film and digital, I will need them both to make my movie aboouutt this world.
BS: Okay then.  The rental costs are $400 a day.
TW: What is this rental?  Can I give money all at once?
BS: Typically we would just rent this stuff out.  You give us money based on how long you keep the equipment and then give the equipment back.
TW: Hahaha.  You guys are quite comedian.  How can I make movie if I give back to you. 
BS: So you just want to buy this equipment then?
TW: Of course, why would you even ask?  How much?
BS: Umm... Thirty-thousand dollars.
TW: Okay, here is fourty-thousand.  Bye doggie.

Claudette, You Magnificent Bitch

"All men are assholes. Men and women use and abuse each other all the time, there's nothing wrong with it. Marriage has nothing to do with love."

I'm not sure where the inspiration for Claudette came from.  She's pro-Johnny, despite how much shit Lisa talks about him to her.  I suppose she could be the "American mother who disagrees with all of her daughters decisions and just wants her to be financially secure" that Tommy believes about all American mothers. 

Also, she despises the fact that Lisa allows her living room to be a sex den for her friends, but she laughs it off when Mike comes back for "me underwears"

She has fucking breast cancer for God's sake and nobody cares! 

Claudette confuses the hell out of me but I must figure out the rubik's cube that is her soul.

How Many Years Did Chris-R Serve?

If you're living in the confines of the universe of The Room, then this is what we know:

-Denny had drug dealings with Chris-R.
-We don't know if Denny was "giving them, selling them"
-Denny owed Chris-R money, but Chris-R was in a rush and was unable to wait 5 minutes for the money to arrive.  Though Denny seemed surprised that Chris-R showed up, so how did he arrange for the money to show up in "5 minutes"
-Chris-R carried a concealed gun.  However, it appears the gun is fake, so threating Denny with it and carrying it probably isn't that serious of an issue even though he is using the fake gun in a threatening manner in order to acquire money from Denny.
-Speaking of Denny, if Chris-R is going to jail then Denny should most likely being going down with him.
-Denny is rescued by everybody else in the movie and Mark and Johnny wrestle the gun away from Chris-R (probably not the smartest idea) and take him downstairs.  When they return they assure Denny that Chris-R is going to jail.  Luckily, the police and a judge were standing by downstairs ready to wrap the case up.

In Johnnys universe:
The cops and judge say "Let's go to jail, hahh?" and Chris-R gets a maximum sentence of consecutive life sentences.  Denny gets in no trouble for his involvement for drug dealing, drops the habit quick, and marries Elizabeth.

In the real universe:
There's no real hard evidence against Chris-R and in all likelihood what happened was that Johnny takes Chris-R downstairs and says "Okay, you've been bad.  You need to go to the police station now and turn yourself into prison." and Chris-R walks away confused. 

A Poem for Johnny, by Mark

I once had a friend
He filled me with joy
He told me not to worry
He'd laugh like a boy

"Hahaha, good story"
He'd always say
He'd always encourage
Fun football play

I once had a pal
And his name was Johnny
I miss his voice when he'd say
"That's fonny"

A favorite customer
To all shopkeepers in town
He'd buy his future wife
A lovely red gown

Then everything turned
It was all my fault
His future wife seduced me
The wound filled with salt

Things were falling apart
For that best friend of mine
Life full of betrayal
Spoons burned in his mind

He cared about me
About Lisa and Denny
But his job fell apart
Would he lose every penny?

Lisa spread lies that he hit her
Did he get caught?
He'd walk out rambling,
"I did naught, I did naught!"

I couldn't believe it
I slept with his future wife
And all he would ask me is
"How's your sex life?"

I felt so bad
About indiscretions
But then I got angry
Did not learn my lesson

We pushed Johnny down
To a place that was dark
Never again would I hear
"Oh hai Mark!"

Johnny is gone now
The gun was the end
I miss you my buddy,
my pal and my friend

An Interview with Juliette Danielle

Maybe one day I'll be really lucky and get to talk to people who worked on The Room.  Would even really matter if it was Tommy Wiseau or a crew member?  I hardly think so.  Just speaking to a crew member might be even more interesting.  Hearing the point of view of a sane person.

This article could be old, there's no date on it.  I just hadn't seen it before.  From what I've heard Juliette Danielle seems like a normal person.  I don't know if that's disappointing or not, but I guess it's kind of cool.  I know you can be her facebook friend though and she probably is enjoying a little bit of spotlight.

Here's the link!
(Editors note: How do you know when your blog goes unread?  When a link doesn't work and you don't find out until you try it yourself days later)

Some insight
On keeping a straight face:
"Tommy ran a pretty tight ship in that regard."
Tommy was very clearly taking this seriously and wouldn't allow people to make fun of what he thought was a masterpiece.  Now that IS satisfying.  She also points out a quote that few people ever do: "In a few minutes, bitch."  Good call Juliette, that line is more amazing than I had ever realized.

On the hardest scene to film:
"I'm sure most people would think I'd say the love scenes with Tommy, but the roof scene with Denny and Chris R was by FAR the hardest."
This either means that Juliette has no problem getting belly-blasted by a 1960s bodybuilder, or that keeping a straight face during the Chris-R scene was just THAT hard to do.  Either way, I like it.

A revelation I never knew:
"I was originally cast in the role of Michelle. The original Lisa was closer to Johnny's age, but she had a random accent and a personality that didn't seem to fit."
I was aware of all the cast changes but not that she was originally Michelle or did I know any details of the original Lisa.  How amazing would a Lisa with a bad accent have been?

On if Tommy would release a special edition with commentary:
"Sadly, no. I'm not sure Tommy would want to hear what some of the cast would say."
Super :( to hear that, but it's interesting that she implies that Wiseau is self-aware about what the cast and crew think about The Room.  I always assumed that he believed everyone thought it was as good as he thinks it is.  It's what I want to believe, because I want to believe that there is an ignorant bliss out there as special and amazing as that.

On not being able to sit through an entire screening of the midnight shows:
"The nudity bothers me a great deal."
It bothers us too.  But Tommy is a free spirit and he has perfect buttocks.  You mean that nudity right?

On acting again:
"I love acting so much and at some point I would love to do it again. But as I said, I'm a practical girl."
Translation: Who would ever really hire me?  I'm fucking Lisa from The Room, afterall.  That is all due respect to Juliette, but let's be honest.  The best you can hope for is Urkel in Megashark versus Crocosaurus.

Ummm... on letting fans know exactly where to find her?
"I volunteer three days a week at Purrfect Solutions Feline Rescue in Sherman Oaks"


Also, not lookin' too bad:

Don't Ask Why, Ask Why Not?

I think the most common question people ask about The Room is, "Why do you play football in tuxedos from a few feet away?"

Sure, this is not a common practice.  However, is it the first time in human history that it has happened?  Probably not.

Zakoo Turtle 51 Sawyer Nena

That's probably the first time in human history that sentence has been written.  Now that's an accomplishment.

But how unlikely is it that you'd be at a wedding, the groom and groomsmen are standing around, someone has a football.  We're in tuxes, so how gritty can we really get right now?  Let's just toss it around, talk about life.

It probably was weirder when they threw the ball around in the alley in regular clothes.

The more important question to ask is whether or not we should all be out tossing the football with friends in formal wear.  How often are we really doing fun outdoor activities with loved ones?  We're stuck at the computer, the TV, Netflix, and online video games.

Johnny wants to connect with the people in his life.  They probably just need to be more careful.  Twice playing football within a few feet of each other someone got injured.

And has anyone in human history ever been burned as badly as Peter?  I mean, he got pwned by Denny.  BY DENNY!  "Gee, your clumsy Peter."

I'm thinking this is why Peter probably walked off of the set.

What about Elizabeth?

Seriously, what about her?

Why couldn't we get any more of Elizabeth, Denny's future future wife?

A woman so amazing, Denny ignores his love of Lisa.  In an instant.

We're all out there, looking for Elizabeth, in this college of life.

Johnny Gives a Life Lesson to Us All

In today's America, we live in stress and fear.  In fear that we'll be jobless, penniless, earthless, and alone.  Is the sun going to burn us away, or will the polar ice caps flood us all into some "waterworld" (a term I just came up with, and in no way has been used before), or will we all be homeless when the social networking bubble bursts in 2012? 

Oh yeah, and then there's 2012.  When Roland Emmerich collapses the earth unto itself and we're left with nothing but more John Cusack movies. 

We live in constant fear of armageddon, carmageddon, and GregAndDarhmageddon. 

Truthfully, this is not a new concept.  If nothing else, we are living in the best age in human civilization.  We combat diseases like never before, we are so rich that we worry when we have to save for two whole weeks for an iPad2(zomg!), and we can play Words with Friends on an airplane.  What more could you ask for? 

But if we didn't have anything to fear, how would the local news stay on the air?  You can only watch stories of cats having a litter of 12 for so long.  (Okay, I would actually watch that news everyday.) 

This constant cycle of fear however encompasses us all.  It's the fear that drives us, but is that fear necessary.  Are we doing too much for tomorrow and not living for today?  Growing up, it was Alfred E Newman's "What me worry?" that was my driving force for living in the now.  Today, it's every American going around saying "Don't worry about it!" 

Johnny's "Don't worry about it!" lets us know that everythings going to be okay.  No matter what is happening with your love life, your job, or the earth, simply "Don't worry about it!"  If you have a not-quite-adopted-half-man-half-child asking you what movie to see, simply let him know that you "Don't plan too much, it may not come out right." 

You're right Johnny, why make any plans at all?  Afterall, they may not come out right.  What if you planned on seeing Transformers 3, but they were sold-out and you had to see Cars 2?  What would you do then and how could you seriously look Denny in the face after you promised him Shia LaBeouf? 

Instead we say, "Don't worry about it."   Worry gets us nothing but lines on our face, and planning gives us nothing but false hope.  If the world does end today, seriously don't worry about it.  It wasn't something we could have, or should have, planned for.

"I DEFINITELY have breast cancer!"

When I first heard about The Room, I'll never forget what sold me on it. 

I was reading an article (Variety or Entertainment Weekly, I can't recall exactly) that described the "Worst movie ever made."  It was called The Room and there were midnight screenings all the time and it had developed a cult following like nothing since Rocky Horror Picture Show.  I was familiar and in love with bad movies but this one had passed me by, had passed many of us by, for years. 

The writer really hyped it up for being bad and something to behold, comparisons to Troll 2 in terms of level of amazement and all that.  It kept on like this but while I was intrigued, while I definitely would have seen it by then, nothing had quite made me say "Must. See.  Now." 

Not until the writer described a scene in which the mother says "I definitely have breast cancer." and that it was never mentioned before and never mentioned again.  This was the line that sold me on the movie.  This was the line that forced me and my roommate to call 20 video stores before we finally found one (Thank you Amoeba Records) that had it and we could go buy it and watch immediately. 

And so we sat down and watched The Room and were blown away.  What an incredible accidental achievement.  That's all that really needs to be said right now about how amazing the movie is, I think by now its clear I think the movie is "pretty good" 

What really amazed me though is when it hit me afterwards.  I never heard this infamous line, "I definitely have breast cancer."  How could it be?  Was I lied to? 

We watched it again, immediately.  Of course.  Again, we ROFL'd, LOL'd, and LMAO'd.  Literally we LMAO'd.  I have no A anymore.  It is quite depressing.  My perfect Tommy Wiseau A...

Anyways, we missed it.  Again.  Finally, we had to find out exactly when she said it from the interwebs and then go back to that scene and watch intently. 

Waiting for it and then boom, it happens.  Turns out that Claudette DOES definitely have breast cancer.  Unbelievable.  Whether it was because we were laughing too hard to pay attention to every line, I don't know.  But I still believe the real reason we missed it at least twice was because that's how subtle and insignificant that line was presented.  This groundbreaking moment for nearly any mother, child, family, or otherwise was so non-chalantly bandied about for this moment that it not only went right over Lisa's head, it went right over my head too. 

Maybe that's why Lisa shows no concern at all.  Maybe she missed hearing it.  "Did Mom say she had breast cancer?  No, she must have said she loves Ted Danson.  I love Ted Danson too." 

It's funny that this moment hits all of the viewers so hard, and yet for all of the wrong reasons.  We are left stunned, jaws slacked, in disbelief, and for all the wrong reasons.  But does the reason matter as much as the result, if the desired result is achieved?

Touche Mr Wiseau.

A Promise

I'm more ready now than I was then to do this and do it justice.  So just a promise: A post day for 2 straight weeks AT LEAST!

OH HAI MOTIVATION!

Where's Denny Now?

I think the question everyone wants to know is where is Denny now? 

No, not Philip Haldiman, the actor who plays Denny.  He apparently works in a bar now?

Which, I think we can all agree, is shocking.  I was sure he'd be off-broadway or in an alley, off of Broadway or Martin Luther King Way. 

But where, is "Denny"!!!! 

Did he marry Elizabeth after he graduated college?  Did he graduate college???  Did Johnny get to adopt Denny when he turned 30?  Did he hook up with Lisa now that Johnny is out of the picture? 

Questions we won't have answered unless....  I think you know where I'm going with this.  Room 2: Denny Where Are You?

I should keep this up.

I started this blog with the intention of keeping it running, but keeping a blog running can be taxing.  I do believe that The Room deserves a blog with weekly updates, and I will try to do that.

I have recently seen The Room with Rifftrax and wow, what a whole new experience that was.  I will definitely have a post on that coming up soon. 

Additionally, I may have to add some Birdemic posts because that "film" makes The Room look like a film without quotation marks.

But if I listen to Johnny I'll know that I should not plan too much, it may not come out right.