Wednesday, August 24, 2011

The Room, The Book?

Its rare that I get to post news on The Room.  Usually I'm only left with hours and hours of thoughts that seem to have no destination, only a journey into madness.  "Why this?" and "Hai that?"

But today I decided to do a Google News search on Tommy Wiseau and lo and behold I come across news that Greg Sestero, aka Oh-Hai Mark, is planning on writing a book on his experiences making The Room

I never read Lord of the Rings.  I haven't had a chance to catch Moby Dick.  As far as I'm concerned, Jack Kerouac is a person made up by emo girls as an answer to the question "Who is your favorite author?" 

But a book written by Greg Sestero?  Where can I sign up for an early edition?  Do they sell books on Amazon or only DVDs? 

How could anyone not read something written by this handsome devil:

Monday, August 15, 2011

Chocolate: The Symbol of Love or Not?

Whip cream.
Chocolate sauce.
Maybe you throw a banana in there.
I don't know, I haven't seen 9 and a half weeks in awhile. 

What's definitely missing from that list?

Giant chocolates.  Did you know that chocolate is actually not the symbol of love?  I know what you're thinking, "But blogger, of course it is.  I have seen it in movie." Oh hai, Johnny, I didn't see you there.  You're my favorite reader.

I know two things for sure when I'm making out with a girl:
1. I'm conflicted because I know that it's awesome that this girl is making out with me, but I really have to question her ability to make good decisions because she is making out with me.  Is it my birthday?
2. The last thing I want is a giant chocolate shoved down my throat.

This wasn't out of a Whitmans Sampler.  Mike would take about 45 seconds to even finish chewing.  He either really listened to his parents or Danny Tanner when told "chew you food 36 times when eating!" or he was really struggling to finish a chocolate that was easily the size of an infant's fist.

So, the next time you're beginning a love-making session remember not to incorporate baseball-sized foods.  Don't shove two handfuls of Werther's Originals down your partners throat or pants.  Don't splash hot soup in their face.  Do I really need to point these things out?

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

"Where's My Money Denny?" by Chris-R

Chris-R isn't the best rapper.  But he's passionate about it.  Here's the yet-to-be-released Chris-R rap song...

Ha-ha!  Yeah... it's Chris-R here.  The R stands for rapper.  You's about to find out why!

My name is Chris
Don't forget the R
If you owe me money
You ain't gettin' far

When I'm chillin
You can find me on the roof
Reaching for the stars
Not lookin' like a douche

I wear black
As a matter of fact
Black ass tank top
Black ass cap

Yeah its true
I'm always pushin drugs
Buyin, sellin, giving
I don't give a fuck

Now this punk ass kid
He owes me lots of pennies
So I ask you again

Where's my money Denny?
Where's my fuckin' loot!
Where's my money Denny?
You're gonna get the boot!
Where's my money Denny?
I need that cash
Where's my money Denny?
I'll kick your fuckin' ass!

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

When is the Name "Chris-R" an Improvement?

When your name is Dan Janjigian.

Dan has been getting janjiggy with it with the Armenian bobsled team apparently.  No, seriously, check this out.

It's hard for me to give 100% confirmation because of Chris-R's (sadly) brief time in the film and because the tough as nails gangster is only seen with a beanie on, but this Dan Janjigian currently resides in Southern California and has a passion for acting. 

Dan is very proud of his Armenian roots and wants to show his pride to the world by terrorizing poor little Denny and having very little patience in that he can't wait 5 minutes for his money.  Dan, just give him 5. 

Too bad he is now in jail.

You can support Dan's website if you'd like. 

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

The Sounds of Oh Hai

In the tune of The Sound of Silence

Oh hai Mark, my old friend
I'm on the roof with you again
Because I am softly weeping
I don't know where Lisa's sleeping
And the secret that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of "Oh Hai"

Is Lisa with another man?
I establish shots of San Fran
Standing in front of this green screen
I toss the football with my team
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of my naked butt
As I strut
And touched the sound of "Oh Hai"

And when my film debut big screen
Ten or so people maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never shared
No one dared
Disturb the sound of "Oh hai"

"Oh hai," said I, "you do not know
Claudette's cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
This tape recorder will repeat you"
But my words like silent raindrops fell
And echoed in the wells of "Oh Hai"

And the people cried and said
Is Johnny really dead?
And the sign flashed out its warning
As Denny was still mourning
And the sign said "The words of Tommy Wiseau are written on the BART
Oh Hai Mark
And whispered in the sound of "Oh hai!"

Monday, August 1, 2011

Oh Denny, a Poem

Oh Denny, Denny, Denny boy
So sweet and full of wonder
He didn't ask for much in life
A cup of sugar, half stick of butter

Will Johnny adopt him
When he turns eighteen?
Will he graduate college
And marry his queen?
Will he eat a whole apple
Sight unseen?
Will he be loved as a person
As a human bean?

Oh Denny, Denny, Denny boy
You were on a path of destruction
And on that roof, life in danger
They saved you from Chris-Rs abduction

"Gimme five! Gimme five!"
Is all you could shout
"It'll be here, just wait!"
The gun was now out
You were scared for your life
All that was left was to pout
Johnny and Mark to the rescue
He's got a life sentence no doubt

Oh Denny, Denny, Denny boy
What kind of money you got?
What were you doing with the drugs?
Selling or giving them out?

You've got people that love you
And people that care
Please don't run away
And cry in despair
For though Johnny is gone
No one left to compare
I'll still be by your side
And grab onto your hair

Oh Denny, Denny, Denny boy